HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.