[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
You Might Also Like
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do