I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
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You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
just leave it at the foot of the bed