Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
ACED my prostate exam!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*