Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back