Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense