One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.