Mornin
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What flavor cupcake are these
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”