Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high