Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Facebook memories be like
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.