The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Oh my God.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”