Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS