The cashier just checked me out.
You Might Also Like
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.