when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Ovenable?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
what it’s like dating me:
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”