age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
the saddest jazz hands ever
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.