If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.