I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*