Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division