[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
You Might Also Like
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.