[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother