drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders