“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*