I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while