My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I feel seen
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Still cracks me up
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now