me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
The French word for sex is croissant.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!