#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
You Might Also Like
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Cool shirt 🙂
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Science memes