[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality