Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.