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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Please do it!
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.