My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Put this video in the Louvre
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.