I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The news
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?