You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Remember folks 😂
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
welcome back
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.