Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.