[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Pigeon open mic night.