i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
sry
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes