My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
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yes… yes…
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
The dark side of Canada
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?