The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My purse is deeper than some people.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.