You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is