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a badder mouse
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Oh thanks BBC.
😂😂
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.