I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Buck naked
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
This squirrel eats better than I do
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?