Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.