I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*