I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
You Might Also Like
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
#parenting
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
im 7 sauces long
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI