I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
this is literally a CIA plant
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Cats (2019)
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.