I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Bit chilly again tonight.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
The legends speak of a third Duran…
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific