If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
oh shit
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.