If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
You Might Also Like
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.