Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
You Might Also Like
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?