My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Customer is always right
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Lmbo
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.