waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*